Not Pregnant

Hi Tammy, it’s me. I hope I’m not catching you at a bad moment. I have some big news. It means a lot to me to share it with you. Do you have a minute? You might need to catch your breath when I tell you this, and you should definitely be sitting down. OK, here goes. Well, you know all our friends are getting pregnant these days? Sarah, Stacy, Edna, Rachel – yes, it’s quite the thing to do. Well, I have news for you: I’m not pregnant. Yup – I’m not pregnant!!!! Can you believe it? I can hardly believe it myself, and it’s been nearly three months already. I hope you don’t think it’s too early to tell, but I’ve been keeping the news to myself for what seems like ages. Three months of not being pregnant, but I didn’t want to say anything, because you know how it is, in the beginning you can never be sure, maybe that period was just a fluke. But it’s real, and I’m sure of it! You must have been wondering why I was acting the way I was acting. Now you know! For the past three months, ever since all our friends starting announcing their pregnancies, I’ve been feeling just awful. Oh, it was the worst. I’d wake up in the morning–especially before big days at work–with this horrible feeling in my stomach. I had to run to the bathroom, and there would go yesterday’s dinner. This happened day after day, this nauseous feeling each time someone else got pregnant. I was like, gosh, not being pregnant is agonizing, how am I going to deal with this??? Anyway, my doctor tells me it’s finally behind me – from here on, not being pregnant will be a lot easier to deal with. Except, well, you’ve got to hear this. I crave chocolate! All the time. Especially at night. I have to eat something sweet. It’s really horrible. I hope it doesn’t go on for too long, because I’m beginning to show. I mean, if this chocolate craving continues, I’m going to have to buy maternity clothes even though I’m not pregnant! Wouldn’t that be embarrassing. Anyway, please don’t tell anyone yet – I haven’t even told my mother. I’m not ready yet, though I think she might have guessed. The other day I noticed her looking at me somewhat quizzically when I ordered a huge glass of wine at dinner. I can do that, hurrah, because I’m not pregnant!!! Oh well, she’ll find out soon enough. There will be so many changes in the coming months now that I have this news. For starters, I will have to redecorate my apartment. It’s so exciting! You’ll have to come over so I can tell you more details. But really, don’t bring a gift. I’m superstitious. Well, I’m registered at Victoria’s Secret, but really, please don’t buy me anything yet. It’s too soon. I’m just glad to have your support. It’s such a relief to be able to share! Thanks so much for listening — I knew you’d want to be the first to know.

4 thoughts on “Not Pregnant

  1. R says:

    You gave me a heart attack, but also, that is so funny. All my friends are pregnant, too (except you!) and I’ve practically given up on serving wine at dinner parties.


  2. Tammy says:

    I started laughing so hard that a co-worker came by and asked, “Tammy, are you going to be OK?” OMG, Ilana, you have NO idea how funny this is to me right now. I would write more, but I need to go email your post to everyone I know (all of whom are pregnant, of course).


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