How is a woman acquired?
When one of three things has transpired—
Give money, a writ,
Or just go and do “it”
(“It” is sex. Should that be your desire.)
You can go buy a woman with cash
(Buy a few if you’ve got a big stash.)
We know this from the field
Bought by Avram (whose shield
Was God). This purchase should not be rash!
Is “Derech” a masculine noun?
Or feminine? Cases abound.
On matters semantic
The Talmud’s pedantic.
“No way!” “Way!” This word gets around.
The way of a man is to court
A woman. He does this for sport.
If you lose something dear
You go hunt far and near
It does not hunt for you. Men, cavort!
The money that’s paid for a wife
Does not go to the girl. She’d cause strife
If she kept all the bucks
It’s for Dad. (Yes, it sucks—
He gets all, though she gives her whole life.)
Can a woman say, “I hereby make
You my husband.” That is, can she take
Him instead of vice versa
Say, give him her purse. A
Fair trade. But the deal would not take.
A woman would rather be wed
Than lie all alone in her bed.
Better two bods than one—
Is it really more fun?
(She could buy a warm blanket instead?)
“Half of you is now wed unto me”
Says the groom. Bu can such a thing be?
No, a woman’s not fit
To be midway down split
If she weds, she weds full-bodily!
“I will give you a penny right now
For your daughter. And also your cow.”
Is the coin for the chick
Or for both? It’s a trick–
Half a penny is never allowed.
“With this coin I thee wed unto me”
She then tosses it into the sea.
The coin’s gone forever
Is their bond now severed?
“I did it to test him!” (her plea).
“Be my wife with this loaf of fresh bread.”
A dog’s chasing her! Soon she’ll be dead!
She throws bread to the beast
It slows down for the feast
She escapes. Is she single, or wed?
A man’s picking dates from a tree.
She says, “Throw down two dates please for me”
He said, “If I so do
Will you then be my true
Wife?” “Throw fruit, please” she cries, eagerly.
“Say, how much would you give for your son?”
“I have two dollars. I’d give you one.”
“And how much for your gal?”
“That’s about right, my pal.”
They are wed! Raise a glass, everyone!
An engaged woman waits to be wed
Ten men come and they rape her instead
When they get in her sack
They go in from the back.
Never mind! Stone them ’til they are dead.
A girl’s spouse-to-be starts penetrating
She accepts Kiddushin from one waiting
Patiently by her side.
Now we need to decide:
During sex, do we say they’re still dating?
Said Ben Bag Bag, “I don’t understand—
All the sages say you’re a smart man
That you know Torah’s rooms–
Yet it’s you who assumes
Eating truma – engaged women can.”
You discover a blemish. You say:
“I will not keep you, wife. Go away!”
If the servant’s thus marred
You’d still keep her. Not hard
To see why. Wives are for work and play.
If a woman takes as Kiddushin
Coins at night, when not much can be seen.
If she thinks it’s a pruta
Then morning comes: “Shoot! A
Half pruta? That guy is obscene!”
“You’re my wife with this fine myrtle mat.”
Cries the woman, “You think I’m worth that?”
He says, “Look deep inside
There are four coins that hide
There. Take those.” Does the whole deal fall flat?
There once was a woman who sold
Lovely ribbons. There came a man bold
He stole quite a few
She cried, “Give them back, you!”
He said, “Marry me.” How do we hold?
Chalitzah is done with a shoe
Take it off him, then throw it. You do
It with sneaker and sandal
But don’t cause a scandal
With footwear he can’t fit into.
A slave may not wish for a wife
But his master may say, “Make new life!”
Then he must procreate
With a Canaanite date
Lest the master accuse him of strife.
A Canaanite slave lost his arm
While plowing his master’s great farm
The slave then goes free
It’s the price he gets paid for his harm.
When a Canaanite slave girl goes free
After six years laboriously
Spent, she gets some nice cash
At her big send-off bash
Hey girl, pocket the dough and then flee!
A master may say to his slave-
Girl, “Fantastic are you! How I rave!
I shall make you all mine
In my bed, you’ll fit fine.”
Is she wed or engaged to the knave?
Can a master say, “Servant girl, you
Are not quite right for me, it is true.
But I’ll give you my son,
He’s a minor, but hon’
He’ll be yours someday.” Can he thus do?
All your slaves must be treated with care
With good mattress, good wine, and good fare.
Say, if you eat fine bread
Don’t give stale cakes instead
To him. Ye who buy slaves should beware!