Extempore Effusions on the Completion of Masechet Niddah, Perek Aleph

“You must start from the time you see blood.”
Said Hillel: “That date is a dud.”
With a regular check
(Quite a pain in the neck)
You can measure. Or my name is mud.

This mikvah is no longer full
But when was it kosher until?
And that pot that you dunked
Better if it had sunk?
Said both Hillel and Shammai: “That’s bull!”

In an alley a lizard was found
There should not be such creatures around!
Shall we say it’s the same
As the blood in a dame
But it’s natural that such blood abounds!

Shammai says “Retroactive? No need
To forsake procreation.” Indeed.
And to Hillel he said
“Israel’s daughters, once wed
Should be often—quite often—with seed.”

Just before and just after the sex
The couple performs body checks.
It is never in vain
There could yet be a stain
Says one rabbi. Ketina objects.

When dressed in a cloak one could touch
A lizard, a snake, or some such.
We know that for sure
This would make you impure
But what of the cloak that you clutch?

Rabban Gamliel’s servant would break
After each loaf of Truma she baked
To check for a stain
Such an act would detain
Her. But she understood what’s at stake.

Rabban Gamliel’s servant would steal
A few moments each time she would seal
A bottle of wine
To check if ‘twas time.
This made winemaking quite an ordeal!

Eliezer is right. But decide
Not as he does, and don’t take his side.
And why not? He’s a groupie
Of Shammai, who’s loopy.
Rule like him just after he’s died.

There are three kinds of virgins: A lass
Who has never had sex. (This will pass.)
And a land that’s untilled
And a sycamore still
Not permitted to eat from, alas.

An old woman starts from the time
That she sees blood. She’s not in her prime.
What constitutes old?
If her friends are so bold
As to “Wow, she is old” freely chime.

If you menstruate each time you jump,
That is many a big bloody thump
We can know in advance
We can tell you: Don’t prance
It is better to sit on your rump.

Rabbi Meir says if you don’t bleed
On a regular basis, we need
To divorce you forthwith
Says Hanina: A myth!
Though it’s bad for her husband indeed.

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